Now, my mother grew up in the Catholic Church and thus I was baptized Catholic; and while she brought my sisters and I up in the Episcopal Church, my mothers faith was still very incluenced by her Catholic upbringing. This has created many points of tension between my mother and I, and at a certain point when I was in high school I was very conflicted. From violent scriptures like the bashing of children on rocks and world-wide floods, a preacher I did not connect with for most of my youth, and my mother presenting her view as the only correct way; I was not sure I wanted to be a Chrisitian anymore. So I had choice, do I walk away, or dig deeper. 

In Genesis we see Jacob send his family and belongings across the river fork, he and his family are moving along to try and evade Jacob’s brother Esau who Jacob had stolen his first-born status from. While Esau did not exactly want his status, Jacob was deceitful in acquiring the title from their father. Jacob has a track record of running from his problems rather than facing them. Yet, when Jacob is alone after sending his family away and a man comes to wrestle with him, Jacob does not back down. Instead he stays and wrestles with God all through the night. And in return God blesses him and names him Israel. (big breath) God takes this man, who does not have all the stars in his faithful record book, and shows up for him. He gives Jacob another chance. 

I do not have the same track record as Jacob of running away from my fears. Unfortunately, I have a habit of seeking them out instead, like preaching. Our high school youth group was quite small and I was often the only one to show up for events. This meant that when I approached my youth minister and said I wanted to do confirmation class, I got a solo class. So we sat down and went through the ciriculum book so we could focus on the topics that most interested me. Then, every Sunday after church, we would walk a mile to a local coffee shop and do our curriculum that day. Much to the horror of my teenage self, that meant reading the bible and doing lectio devina in public. However throughout the class I became more and more comfortable with that, but one thing that has stuck with me the most started out as a joke: every breath is a prayer. Now, when every call for prayer was met with a deep breath and nothing else, my youth minister definitely had her fill I’m sure. But in the hectic moments of life where it can feel hard to center yourself, remembering that every breath is a prayer and taking that prayer, has become a sort of grounding technique for me. 

My doubts did not end there though. Honestly, by the end of my confirmation class I was pretty ambivalent on actually getting confirmed. It was about a week before my confirmation and my youth minister needed an answer. So, I took a breath thinking, I’ve come this far, I might as well and said yes. 

In Luke’s gospel today, Jesus imparts on his disciples a parable of a widow who seeks justice from an unjust judge. She prays constantly that the judge will impart the justice she seeks, and eventually, he does. Jesus is telling his disciples that when you show up for God, God shows up for you. Albeit not always how or when we want her to. Being persistent in our faith, despite when it would be easier to turn away can help us make sense of the messy and human world we navigate everyday. Even if that just means having a companion in the Holy Spirit. Leading a prayerful life does not mean that God will do your will, it does mean that you will come to know the Holy Spirit and be more and more equipped to proclaim God’s love to those you know. 

Later on, when I was in college one of my major’s was Women’s Studies. I took many classes pertaining to the status of women in America and the world at large. One class I took was about Women in Religion and an overarching theme we talked about is what do women do when they can no longer stand the patriarchal forces that exist within their faith home. Well, it turns out they tend to do one of two things. They either leave their faith or, they stay and try effect change from with in their Religion. I think this applies not just women. but to everyone who has wrestled with huge questions of doubt. 

Everytime I have had doubts about one of the Church’s teachings, I have dug deeper and turned towards God for answers. In our Baptismal vows, we promise to bring up the child or person to know Christ. When we get confirmed, we confirm that the story of Jesus is so compelling that even when we have doubts we keep coming back. While I have more questions than I originally started my confirmation class with, I am no longer conflicted about the love of Jesus and our call as Christians to keep wrestling with the faith rocking questions.